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Journal Entry: Mon Mar 3, 2014, 12:50 PM
In retrospect, I find myself surprised at having taken yet another long hiatus from rendering and trolling DA. At the same time, I marvel at the fact that such things still surprise me o.O

In recent weeks I've found myself waxing extraordinarily nostalgic...back to college and the military (some twenty years ago!) and wondering wistfully why my mind seemed so attracted to that particular time in my past. I was so stressed out back then...taking a maximum course load and working full-time plus...I think I was running on some unadulterated combo of pure adrenalin and caffeine. As I reflect upon that time, though, I realize that all the stress was self-made, self-imposed. I was still very innocent of the kind of life experiences that teach us what true stress, or rather dis-tress, looks and feels like.

So, fast forward to today, where I find myself musing upon the past, now with such innocence far behind me. Next month will be the 4-year anniversary of the death of our son. This past week I had another dream where he was still alive, and where there was yet a small window of time where I might intervene and save him, to stop him from that one step, that one action that would be his last. And then I wake. And the moment of hope that seemed so tangibly real evaporates in the first few rays of sunlight piercing our bedroom window.

Coming upon this anniversary now, year after year, it feels much like walking in a very broad circle, yet somehow at the circle's end, I find myself not quite in the same exact place as the year before. This time last year was so full of overwhelming anxiety, I felt as if an elephant had settled upon my chest and would not be budged. Right now I find myself gratefully within normal and tolerable emotional limits, though I can perceive a sort of sensitivity, as if my emotions are floating just beneath the surface of my skin.

Hello there, yes, I feel you...so close, so ready to come gushing out in some uncontrollable flash flood. But I'm not afraid of you like I was before. I'm stronger. If you come, I can sit with you, experience you, and not feel like I will be ended by you. I can let you wash over and through me for as long and as intensely as you need. And I will keep taking long, deep breaths. And I will keep telling myself "everything will be okay".

  • Mood: Suffering
  • Listening to: Disturbed
  • Watching: Color Splash with David Bromstad
  • Drinking: Diet Coke

deviantID

ShadowedGaze
Nikki
United States
I am a digital art and character hobbyist. I came across DAZ a few years back through a total fluke...I wasn't actually looking for 3D/rendering software, but it piqued my curiosity enough to try it out (why not...it was free!). After some time, I tried my hand at character creation, and sold several character packages at RMP and DDU.

A family tragedy pulled me away from my interests and participation in the community, but I've finally found the energy to start working again, and am so happy to be back on DA.

Please feel free to check out my personal site "Shadowed Gaze, Dark Heart"...
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:iconthierrycravatte:
ThierryCravatte Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you very much for favaing my work !
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:iconvampirekingdom:
vampirekingdom Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013   Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the :+devwatch: :heart:
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:iconmickytroisd:
Mickytroisd Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013
Thank you for keeping an eye on me :-)
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:iconshadowedgaze:
ShadowedGaze Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
Very welcome...it is my pleasure!
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:iconleowulfe:
Leowulfe Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the :+fav:! :D
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:iconshadowedgaze:
ShadowedGaze Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
you're so welcome!
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:iconthierrycravatte:
ThierryCravatte Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you very much for adding my 'Forest hunter' to your favourites !
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Spydraxis01 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for joining Science Fiction CGI I hope you enjoy the splendid imagery we all strive to create.
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:iconshadowedgaze:
ShadowedGaze Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012
thank you =)
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:iconthierrycravatte:
ThierryCravatte Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you very much for adding me to your 'watch list', I really appreciate ! Hoping to see more of your great work soon !
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