In retrospect, I find myself surprised at having taken yet another long hiatus from rendering and trolling DA. At the same time, I marvel at the fact that such things still surprise me o.O
In recent weeks I've found myself waxing extraordinarily nostalgic...back to college and the military (some twenty years ago!) and wondering wistfully why my mind seemed so attracted to that particular time in my past. I was so stressed out back then...taking a maximum course load and working full-time plus...I think I was running on some unadulterated combo of pure adrenalin and caffeine. As I reflect upon that time, though, I realize that all the stress was self-made, self-imposed. I was still very innocent of the kind of life experiences that teach us what true stress, or rather dis-tress, looks and feels like.
So, fast forward to today, where I find myself musing upon the past, now with such innocence far behind me. Next month will be the 4-year anniversary of the death of our son. This past week I had another dream where he was still alive, and where there was yet a small window of time where I might intervene and save him, to stop him from that one step, that one action that would be his last. And then I wake. And the moment of hope that seemed so tangibly real evaporates in the first few rays of sunlight piercing our bedroom window.
Coming upon this anniversary now, year after year, it feels much like walking in a very broad circle, yet somehow at the circle's end, I find myself not quite in the same exact place as the year before. This time last year was so full of overwhelming anxiety, I felt as if an elephant had settled upon my chest and would not be budged. Right now I find myself gratefully within normal and tolerable emotional limits, though I can perceive a sort of sensitivity, as if my emotions are floating just beneath the surface of my skin.
Hello there, yes, I feel you...so close, so ready to come gushing out in some uncontrollable flash flood. But I'm not afraid of you like I was before. I'm stronger. If you come, I can sit with you, experience you, and not feel like I will be ended by you. I can let you wash over and through me for as long and as intensely as you need. And I will keep taking long, deep breaths. And I will keep telling myself "everything will be okay".